Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ending October

Hi all.

It's been a while. I'm still a freshman in high school. I'm still single. Nothing new. My sister is getting progressively worse... it's becoming more apparent on me than on her. She's far more aggressive, and she decides to lash it all out on me. Whatever. My back looks like that of a zebra from her taking the aluminum bat and beating me with it. I don't feel safe living here. What choice do I have? I'm only 14. I don't think I ever wrote about my birthday. It sucked. Literally 2 people wished me happy birthday- and neither of those people were my parents. One coworker, and my friend. I'm class president. I'm also in a state of mind in which I want a boyfriend but I don't. I've been having these weird phases where I'll like a guy for a week and then I'll realize he's a total douchebag or he cares more about his Magic cards than he does about any other living soul on the face of this malevolent planet. And then I move on. I'm planning on running my first 5k on Nov. 23rd at the Run With the Turkeys at the RecPlex in Pleasant Prairie, WI. Hopefully all goes well.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

On the Road Again

Giving up on the greetings. They're cheezier than a plate of nachos. I don't really know what to say right now.

Before I continue, yes, I understand that there are millions of people out there with lives harder than mine.

I think I'm at a momentary peak in life right now. My jobs are going well. I'm pretty solid Monday -Thursday and I have the occasional weekend half staff workday. The family I babysit for is paying me VERY well. And for me, this can be a problem. I find it very hard to take money from other people. Family? Sure! But not from anyone else. So yeah.

My birthday is coming up. I have to work 2,if not three jobs that day. This could be good and bad. Once again, I'm jipped out of a birthday party, but hey, you can't miss what you never had. I've never had a truly GOOD birthday party. So whatever. It's not like 14 is a big deal.

School is just around the corner, and I'm going to one of the best high schools in the nation- LakeView Technology Academy in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. It's a half hour drive from home, which is a lot of driving, but I think it's worth it. There's a tiny, and I mean tiny chance I could be emancipated because my sister is disabled, and even that tiny chance gives me hope. But back to the point. I'm turning the area with the desktop computer into my own personal office. Seeing as I will be having 10x time the homework as I did in junior high (because it was very rare that I had homework), it will be a good space to keep everything from paperwork to science notes and study sheets. I'm excited to see what I make of the small space. 

But to change the subject, life sucks right now. My sister is more abusive, both mentally and physically, than ever. You can see lots of evidence on my body, but that's nothing compared to what's inside. I've never felt so alone.

Do you know what it feels like when no one is in your corner? It's like I'm standing all by myself in the middle of an amusement park. People laughing, holding hands, kissing and hugging, having fun. Except that amusement park is all of earth condensed into a square mile. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Nobody understands my sister. I do, but sometimes I feel that's a bad thing. The pure terror she brings to the eyes of a bystander is incredible. I can't have friends over when she's around because I'm afraid she'll hit one of them or break something. She's absolutely brutal, and I'm afraid of how I'll be judged based on her behavior. Yes, I understand she can't control all of it, but I KNOW she can control a good chunk of it. This is all I can say before I go into a full fledged snotfest. So on that lovely note I leave you with this simple thought- not everyone is as capable as you and me. And the next time you see a child misbehaving in public, think about how hard that has to be on the family. Because after some point, there's no helping a child. Believe me.

I'm on the road again. To success. To failure. To love and to hatred. But  I'll never know what's at the end of the road if I never make it there.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

They've Forgotten Me

  Hi all.
These past few weeks have really sucked. I went with my class to Washington DC... it was horrible. We didn't get to our hotel until midnight and we had until 12:15 to get settled and in bed. And then the first full day we went to McDonalds for breakfast. The other school's principal (we went with another local school, DOL) spilled my super hot hot chocolate all over me. Maybe it's because her ass is two feet wide, but hey, who asked me? She's a total bitch. I don't like calling people that name, but in this case, it's an exception. The DOL kids were bitches too. They always had to be first in line for everything and got their food first and were the first on the air conditioned bus. They got this special treatment and got to do whatever the hell they wanted to.But I got to see Dorothy's original shoes and the 1970 Kermit (frog puppet). hat's half the reason I even agreed to go. The FDR Memorial was definitely my favorite memorial. I took a lot of pictures there... maybe I can put a few with this post.

School ended. I'm now a freshman at LakeView Technology Academy in Pleasant Prairie (in Kenosha), Wisconsin. I got the National Society of the Daughters of the American Revolution Citizenship award. I guess I was nominated by a faculty member at Washington Middle School (my middle school). I didn't know I was going to win it, so obviously it came as a surprise to me. There was a $75 check along with it. The following Monday I received the Mayor's Youth Commission award at the Kenosha Common Council meeting. It was televised to the whole city the other day! My counselor who nominated me was there and I was so happy to see him. So I got a medal and a certificate for that as well.

But this past week has been brutal. Not only physically, but mentally. In terms of physical pain, I started my summer gym class so I don't have to take PE during my freshman year. It's 4 1/2 hours every morning, Monday through Friday. I started on Wednesday and I'm still sore- it's Saturday.

But mentally, it's worse.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and reminiscing on the 39th season at the Rhode.  I was there for half of the shows. I miss them a lot. I think about one person in particular and it brings back so many memories. Hugging and laughter and safety. Happiness. I'm sure that you've identified that this is a male, I will not confirm or deny that. Okay, I'll confirm it. But I've still a problem nonetheless. We used to talk about everything and I think we were comfortable with that. but once the season ended, we were split, I think partially by choice,  but mostly but society.

I don't think being split is the source of my problem. It's the fact that I'll try to say hello to him, email him, text him, etc and I'll never hear anything back. It's the same way with a lot of people I've become friends with during the season. I'll try to make contact with them and poof- never does anything come of it.

They've forgotten me.

And that hurts, a lot.

All I want them to do is to simply say hello. If I were to bump into one of them around town, a simple nod would make my day. I don't need a 3 hour conversation, but a quick back and forth would sure be nice. But until then I guess I shall rant and rave about it to you fine folks. I sure wish I knew who was reading this. But that's aside from my point.

They've forgotten me.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

How to succeed is back!

Jupiterians great and bad news!

The show I'm directing, How to Succeed in High School Without Really Trying by Jonathon Rand is back on! Originally the director cancelled it but I found an advisor and now we're doing it again. Just thought I'd spread the news. I got the weekend off of work but I have rehearsals after rehearsals every day this week... so yeah. I'm going to go, just thought I'd inform you all of my good/bad news. Buenos nachos!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Just Pull me out of Now and into later

I'm just about ready to fucking die.
Sorry for the rude hello. Hello friends, neighbors, people of Jupiter. I'm just about ready to die.

This week has given me absolutely nothing but bullshit. Drama at school, drama at work, drama at home. Drama is fucking EVERYWHERE.I don't apologize for my foul language, but rather warn you that what you are about to read will most likely involve swearing in every sentence.

It all kinda started Monday. I got to start working with the cast and crew of the Musical Comedy Murders of 1940. I know the director and assistant director, two of the actors, and one of the crew members. It wasn't too horrible. But I heard stuff from the assistant director who I happen to be friends with about some of the cast, and they were very true. So Tuesday at school I was pissed off. And then, the official director of the show I'm ADing for completely cancelled the show without thought because apparently his wife is getting a knee replaced. WHAT THE FUCK??? I'm a director for a reason... I could have totally taken the show under my wing like I already did but no- he has to just go and cancel it. I did all of the blocking, all of the tech stuff, and 98% of the casting. He did absolutely nothing. But whatever. So I'm even more mad about that. And most of the cast still wants to do the show and they're all like "I'll be the director if you don't want to do it" and shit but I'm not letting somebody fuck up my show no matter whether or not I want to direct. So yeah. And now at work (Rhode) everyone is yelling cues at me and changing them every time they yell them at me. I'm being told 6 different things about one cue and they're all different and I'm so confused. Tonight I was going to pull the AD over and ask him to help me but nope! He's at the bar next door drinking with the rest of the cast. And this brings me to my next point. Drinking has affected my family a lot. I hate drinking and alcohol and I promise, god as my witness (even though I'm not religious) that I will never take a sip of alcohol, no matter what it is or what the circumstance. And during my MCM rehearsals this girl in seventh grade starts running around everywhere and going onstage to watch what's going on onstage WHILE The Kenosha News is taking photos. She just pisses me off. She's always playing with the props and shit and I'm just like NO! And then after the rehearsal she comes all up in my cave and she's like "There are a lot of spots where you're supposed to open the door and I'm seeing that you're not. There's even a little crack in the door so you can see when the pen moves." REALLY? I'm reading a script and supposed to be looking through a crack, eh? She's not even crew or cast. Her frickin dad has nowhere else to put her so he basically leaves me and my friend Bailey to babysit her. And apparently this girl is my age. WOW. Just wow. I am so surprised I didn't just snap on her. So now I'm in probably the worst mood one could be in. I just want to talk to someone. Just sit down and spill it. Someone who won't judge me, who won't make fun of me when I cry. Someone that doesn't seem to exist in my life. And on top of being sad and angry, now I'm lonely. In this big world of 7000000+ people I have absolutely no one I can confide in completely. All I ask for is someone who can keep what I say to themselves and a little respect. Is that really so hard?

  This has left me tearing up, so I'm going to go. Shoot me (a comment) if you actually read this. I kinda think his has turned into my venting journal or something instead of DIYs and stuff. Have a good one folks. Make it double good for me.

Monday, April 15, 2013


Hi friends

Tonight was my first rehearsal with the cast and crew of the Musical Comedy Murders of 1940. I had so much fun! I'm the bookshelf operator and I also help manage props. We were around the intermission time (either right before or right after) when this one scene where a guy with a knife runs across the stage... The guy in our production (who I have come to know for quite some time now) threw the knife offstage and it ever so faintly scratched the side of my face next to my eye. Don't get me wrong, I love (no, not love like THAT love, but as a friend) the guy, but he scared the crap out of me. I wasn't expecting anything, and all of a sudden I see him throw it and I guess I moved at the right time. If I didn't, I would have lost an eye. But all is well. Krista and Eric (guy that threw knife) freaked out because they thought I got hit right in my eye. He put his hands on my shoulders and started staring into my eye... :P If anything this is quite the story to tell tomorrow. I'm still a little shaken up but I get to see my friend Robbie tomorrow so I'll just go with whatever happens.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Hi Jupiterians.

How's your world going today? Either I'm glad to hear what your thinking/saying, or I'm terribly sorry about your distress. You choose. My world kinda sucks right now, thanks for asking. My dad's parents are coming to "visit" soon...
This is the definition of hell. There are many definitions of hell in my own little world. This is numero uno. I don't know how much you know (or that I've told you) about them. They only talk to me and the people I live with when they want something. They don't care about me, nor my mom or dad or my little sister it seems. Quite honestly, I don't give a rat's ass either. And things got much more tense over the summer.

It all really kinda started when I was like fricking 4 years old. I was invited to my neighbor's birthday party and I had to drag my cousin Kayla with me. She's like a month younger than me (because her mom's a bitch like that... I'll explain later). The little neighbor boy gave out short pvc pipes with string and a cork attached to it. You blow into the open end of the pipe and the cork flies out with quite some force, enough to give someone a good bruise. Kayla shot the cork right into my eye. Then she ran off and bitched to her mother and claimed that I did that to her. You know what her mom did? She took me and Kayla into MY parent's room and whooped (spanked, hit, whatever you choose to call it) my butt and left quite a nice handprint. You know what else? She told Kayla to sit on that bed and watch. Ever since I was hesitant to be around anyone on that side of the family. No longer am I hesitant, rather I must restrain myself from beating the shit out of all of them. And I mean it. I thought my parents knew and that they were cool with it. Turns out, they didn't know. I went 9 years thinking that they were okay with what Gina did (aunt, Kayla's mom). I brought it up when I was on "vacation" last summer. Mind you, vacation in my household is getting to be away from everyone else. Therefore, I have never been on vacation. I digress. But I brought it up and instantly my parents thought I was lying. Which I was not. After some time they believed me. And now we're here.

Here really sucks. Going back to my grandparents (who I prefer to call Jack and Gwenn because they're not family. I don't love them). They only come to us when they want something. I feel like my neighbors are doing the exact same thing. She only calls when something goes wrong and she can't afford to fix it. "Oh Scott (my father) my hot water isn't working. Can you come take a look at it?" So he'll send an entire day over there fixing their hot water thingy and doesn't even get paid. A simple "Hey how's it going?" or "What was up with that ambulance last night?" would make me the happiest gal in the world.

It's quarter after 12 (MIDNIGHT!) and I have a long, dramatic day ahead of me. I'll talk to you fine folks later. Toodles Noodles!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

It's April 2nd...

Hi friends!

It's April 2nd, which is no special day in my world. Just April 2nd. But hi :)
Life has been kinda rough these past few months. One of my uncles got into some deep trouble after drinking, driving, which led to him flipping and totaling his truck and being found unconscious. I don't feel sorry for him. He's obviously never going to learn his lesson. A cousin of mine (in which I do not affiliate) has been writing fraudulent checks... so I'm just waiting to see what comes of that.

Nothing much has changed. I haven't done much cooking lately... I think I need some of that. The weather in Kenosha is FINALLY starting to warm up. I love winter more than anything, but I'm ready for a warm stretch. I have all of these big plans of jogging and walking and getting in shape, which would do me a lot of good, but I think I've faced the fact that I'm always going to be big. Much bigger than the majority of people my age, but I think I handle it pretty well, and aside from my weight I'm as healthy as a horse, so I can deal with it. Moving on.
I don't know. I think I'm still at that stage in life where you think "oh I'm going to be single forever and ever and ever."  Which may be true. I wouldn't necessarily mind that. I've come to the realization that if I were ever to be "with" somebody (which may or may not mean marriage), they would have to be in theatre or do some sort of intense fine art to understand my schedule. It's thoughts like this that keep me occupied throughout the day. Here's a list of things that keep me from dating people.
Lack of:
1) Attractiveness
2) Confidence
3) Trust
4) "coolness"
5) Happiness

I'm not pretty. It's just a fact. I don't mind too much. I'm starting to learn not to give a fuck what people think of my face or my body. Would I like to change it? Sure, but I don't have the time, money, or need to. Therefore it's staying as is. Confidence is an iffy topic. I've got guts. Lots of them. I'm a leader, a captain, a director. I can take charge. I can speak publicly with no problem whatsoever. But when it comes to relationships... I'm a mess. Haha :P It's true! People trust me. If someone has a problem, they come to me because they know they can trust me. I like being the trustworthy one. But I have a real hard time trusting people. I trust people too much. Or maybe some people are just too easy to talk to. I'm just afraid I'm going to be hurt. I've been stabbed in the back, screwed over, and used too many times to count. I'd do anything for anybody. I'd give you the shirt on my back if you needed it. But I've come to find that most people wouldn't do the same. I'm not the coolest kid in school. I don't want to be the cool one. I want to be the successful one. And when it comes to happiness, I can be the happiest person you see. But it's not all giggles and smiles and jokes. I can pull the mask down for the day, but at the end of the day, when the mask comes off, reality is back and it's so hard not to break down. When one parent is screaming and the other one sobbing, you know who has to keep the straight face in my household? Me. Do you know how hard it is to keep that face on? Taking everything that happens around me (and trust me, it's a lot) into consideration, it's REALLY hard. But that's not to say that I don't have good days, because I have had a lot of good days. Those good days are days that my family isn't around and that I can be by myself. That says a lot. I'm not trying to gain attention or sympathy, I just wish that someone out there could understand. That's all I ask. Oh, and I also ask that this generation pull their heads out of their asses as a whole and make a brighter day. Now I'm done for tonight... it's 12:45 (so now it's April 3rd :P ) and I haven't slept in a REALLY long time (like 3 days). I'd like a little sleep, thanks. Good night Jupiterians. I love you!

Monday, March 18, 2013

My Dear Friend Batman

Hello all.

I am very sad to announce that I will be euthanizing my dear pet Batman in the next couple of days. You see, he has some swim bladder infection disease thing and red spots at the part of each fin where it connects to the torso, along with inside the gills. I can't stand to see my finned friend suffer any longer, therefore I feel as though the right thing to do is put him out of his misery. I'll miss him dearly. It's no different than putting down a dog or a cat, or having to say goodbye to a loved one in person. I'll be losing a member of my family, and more importantly, a piece of my heart.

I hate to end this on an angry note, but I have one comment to make. I bought Batman at PetSmart. I don't know if my readers out there (or lack thereof) have a PetSmart store in their area, but I was in their store once and in the live fish section, I counted 23 dead fish in 1 and 25 in another. All of the other fish in other tanks, and I mean ALL of the other fish, either had fin rot or ich. It was an absolutely horrible sight to see. I still remember this image clearly. I posted on their facebook page about the incident, and all they replied was a website that talks about how to keep MY HOME TANK clean. That's a bunch of bullshit. I keep my tank as clean as humanly possible. They're in no position to tell me how to clean MY tank when it's theirs that has tons of dead fish in it. So I will no longer buy ANYTHING from PetSmart as long as I shall live.

I'll miss Batan more than anything. I'll miss coming home from school and work to see him follow me around his tank as I maneuver through my bedroom. I'll miss feeding (overfeeding.. guilty is charged) him and clapping when he'd finish a flake (Where did that come from?). I'll miss talking about my best friend. I'll miss having somebody to talk to when no one else would listen. I'll never know if he loved me or the food I gave him twice a day, but I hope he'll remember as he watches over me that I love him more than anything and that he will always have a special piece of my heart reserved for him.

Gosh I'm tearing up just typing this. On that note, I will leave you all to do your thought pondering thing. I'm on Tumblr... in case you didn't know.

I don't really post much, but you should follow me or like me or whatever you do on there anyway because I love you all.

Thursday, March 7, 2013


Hello all,

Just thought I'd fill you fine folks in with what's been happening lately. I got another offer from a director at the local theater. This weekend is the closing weekend for James and the Giant Peach. It was a fun journey. I have 3 more shows then it's over :/ But I know a ton of people coming to see it. So I'm excited.

To bring on the sadness, I'm losing my best friend. She got a "boyfriend" (but she denies it every time) back in November and we've barely said a word to each other since. We used to be inseparable. Sleepovers every weekend (we had an 11 weekend streak going for us). Giggles and laughs 24/7. But then this guy came around and I feel as though he's stealing her from me. They've been attached to each others hip since November. It's like we're two strangers sitting across the table from each other. She's talking to him, I'm just there. It's so frustrating. I've tried to explain how I feel to her, but it's as though it goes in side and out the other. Does anyone have advice? I'm just kinda done with it all. Just. yeah.
   Moving on
Welp, I guess there's nothing to move on to. I've been so busy with work and school I haven't had much time for anything. I got my high school acceptance letter, so this girl will be a freshman at LakeView Technology Academy this fall. I work with an amazing lady up in the balcony at the local theater. She's hilarious. Just thought I'd add that in here. I've been on a Michael Buble run lately. Crazy Love: Hollywood Edition CD1 <3 My pride and joy.

So I'm on Tumblr. now... I never use it. I just read Backstage Badger. But feel free to follow me or whatever you do on there. I should probably know...

Thanks Loves
-Sam K

Monday, January 28, 2013


Hello all,

I thought I'd just fill you all in on my intellectual badassness and what not. I quit twirling, so my title is now rather worthless. But it still teaches a huge lesson. DO NOT TWIRL IN THE HOUSE. Please :) I got my first job (some people may call it an internship) the other day and yesterday was my first day. So I got to the theatre (Rhode Opera House in Kenosha, WI) through the back door (feeling badass bro). I met the director and the stage manager and some other people. The director gave me a tour. I got to go up to the box. That shit's fucking awesome. The coffee stains on the carpet and the unfinished wood. And there's no glass between the box and the theatre, so I can actually hear what's going on. I'm a light/tech person. Just kidding. I'm a superior human. So eff everything. But back to my story. I keep losing focus. I hate about 99% of kids shows, yet I always end up laying around doing absolutely nothing but watching them. Now I shall attempt to get back on track. So the guy I'm supposed to work with wasn't there last night. So the guy that programmed the light board showed me how to work it. Seemed simple. I had to come 3 hours before we were to start, so I got to mark my script. Fun, right? So I was like 3 pages from finishing when we started. We went through the first maybe 20 minutes then the Kenosha news came to take pictures. That took an hour. So it was like 8pm and I had to leave at like 9:30. We were only like 4 or 5 scenes into the show. So we skipped over the majority of it and on to Act 2 scene 8. We were at the part where there's a reverse cyclone and Dorothy ends up back in Kansas (Wizard of Oz). Something went wrong so no one did anything. I had the cyclone lights going the whole time, and everyone decided that they'd just start talking. So no one did anything prouctive for like 20 minutes. The director originally planned that we'd be out of there by 9. I didn't get out until just after 10. But I loved my first day of work. That is all.