Wednesday, May 21, 2014


14 Ma decides she wants to  have her concealed carry license. No intent of owning a weapon, but she says she's American and she can.
13 Ma's behavior changes with the type of alcohol she drinks- with wine, she's political and with beer she's living like there's no tomorrow.
12 I tell my ma that pa's sister spanked me when I was but a small child but she wouldn't believe me. She never saw the handprint on my backside and never noticed that I couldn't sit for 4 days. She didn't trust me when I told her that it all started when her daughter lied.
10 Ma says she's going to quit smoking. She says she's doing just fine, but I always knew when she was in the garage with smoke billowing from her mouth as if it were a steamstack.
8 Ma tells me about one of the men she was engaged to. She let him borrow the keys to her car, he stole it and broke into her parent's house and took their wedding jewelry. Later she was beaten up by a hitman in the hood.
5 I realize that I've given up any childhood hopes and dreams because ma decided she'd focus more on the new kid in the house than she would me. Ma told me that no one wanted me and that I was never to have been a thought.
4 My sister is born and she's autistic, epileptic, has ADHD, and is classifed as having a cognitive disability. Ma thanks her unexisting God for the blessing of a second child.
2 Ma sits me on a table at a wedding and leaves me alone with an abusive cousin that lies when asked about the new bruise on my arm.
1 Ma is frustrated beyond belief when I say Daddy for the first time.
0 The day every father wishes their daughter to be like their mother.


Sitting at the table with head in my hands and droplets of salty water falling from my eyes as if from a leaky garden hose. Acquaintances put their arms around my shoulders and ask if I'm okay. Like any other person in this situation I say I'm fine. She turns to me to say I'm not, and I know damn well I'm not, but I will keep my emotion inside to examine further in private. I work over my emotion until it becomes as calloused as my hands and feet. I'm not the only one with these problems and my problems are not unique.
To hide an emotion takes so much devotion that after a while, you've no energy for anything else. You're stranded on the island you created with no way out. A hand here and a hand there to help pull you out but they're too weak. You try to serve as a hand for everyone else but you realize, you're too weak. You work to hard to create those callouses. You think, maybe those callouses will make work easier, but in the end, those callouses are softened. Now that they're gone, it's harder to hold the leaks in the hose.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

May 15th, 2014

Things are... going. I have an appointment with a nutritionist tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to. Basically he/she will tell me that everything I'm doing is wrong because that's what they're paid to do, and then they'll tell probably put me on this strict diet. I know I'm not the poster child for health anymore, but I've made a lot of significant changes compared to how I was living a year ago. I'm eating a lot healthier and exercising more. I can't just up and change everything, which seems impossible for people to understand. I just... I don't even want to talk about it.

     I've been thinking more and more about my future. What will I be? Will I be married? Have kids? Adopt? Where will I live? What will I drive? Where will I go to school? Do I go for grad school?

It's so hard knowing all of this at the current stage in my life. I'm in the middle of a lot of stress with the end of the school year. I've been pricing vehicles already. There's no way I'll be able to afford any of the vehicles I like by the time I'm 18. I'm tied between a Javelin, Charger (original, not the shitty ones made now), and a lifted 350. So basically either a muscle car or a lifted truck. Oh, and whatever it is, it needs to be loud.
I still think I want to be a stage manager, but look at everything I was deadset on being when I was younger. I wanted to be a ghost hunter, like Jason Hawes and Zak Bagans. But now, not so much. I've been saying for the past 12 years that I want to be a train conductor when I'm retired, and I'd still like to do that.
Marriage. What a scary topic. No, not scary, just distant. I always imagined myself married, but thinking about where I am now, I really don't see anyone marrying me.

I really don't see anyone marrying me.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

To Fill You In

I figured that since I'm done with school for the day, that I'd fill you in with all the details I never mentioned earlier today. There are a lot of them.
     I finished Avenue Q and The Diary of Anne Frank at the Rhode this year. Both shows were really fun to work on. Anne Frank... very dramatic, while Ave Q was such a pleasure. The company president is even thinking of re-electing me as Volunteer of the Year! I really hope I get it again, because, not to boast, but I really think I deserve it. I'm sure other people are capable of carrying their weight, but I don't see anyone busting their asses as hard as I am mine. When I'm working a show, I'm at the theater 7 days a week, regardless of the rehearsal schedule.
     Blogger not having a tab function is making me very angry. My Lit teacher is nominating me for the Mayor's Youth Commission award again, which was such a joy to have this past year. I'd love to do it again.
     I don't remember the last time I wrote to you, so I guess I'll almost take this as a fresh start. I'm 14, soon to be 15, and I'm a freshman in high school. I'm my class president. I have a little sister that I'm sure you probably know about, and I have a pet leopard gecko. He's the coolest kid in town. I'm working on training him to drive a little red car, but I need to make said car first. I'm Captain Kirk, searching for a Spock. Did I mention I'm a Star Trek (TOS) junkie? I try not to get too into it around my friends because I'm sure they think it's weird, but at least I'm not obsessed with Desperate Housewives or Jersey Shore, etc. My favorite animal is a moose, my favorite color is green (you wouldn't know with my bedroom theme, however), and my favorite food is caesar salad. Lame, I know. I don't have too many friends, 4 quarters instead of 100 pennies. I want to be a big time stage manager and a train conductor when I retire. The whole idea of having your whole life planned out by the time you're 10 really frustrates me, but that's a later post.
     Back to the topic of friends, it's getting harder and harder to determine who is and is not on my side. I'm an independent thinker and I function better when I'm alone or in a small group, but some people just can't grasp that idea. I understand that I serve as the "parent" of my friend group, the one that most everyone comes to when they have a problem. I love taking this role among my friends and peers, but sometimes, I need someone to listen to me. Apparently that's too much to ask for. I digress.
     For the longest time, I had my eye on this boy that everyone at school dubs as "That 70's kid." I personally kinda like the name, it fits him well. He's such a gentleman and he's really sweet, he also has a smile that lights up the whole room. This boy is pretty reserved, but I can tell he really opens up when he's with his friends/bandmates. Yes, he's in a band. He's a senior, so odds are, things wouldn't work out. I kinda gave up on my dream of having That 70's kid as significant other. I don't think he'd go for a girl like me. I have my eye on a different guy now, a sophomore, very sweet and outgoing. Again, he's a bit reserved, which isn't bad at all, but he's really cool with his friends. I like to think, or I try to think, of myself as his friend. Of course, he could go on without me, which I'm about 100% sure he will, but he just seems like the kind of guy that I could get to know and love. He's also pretty athletic, a term I try to think of myself as too. My plus size figure would say otherwise.
     To pause for a moment on the topic of size, I'm growing, but not so much changing. My pants are becoming too big, which I don't mind at all. I just had to go buy smaller belts because my last one ran out of holes (the buckle conveniently broke too). I've lost weight since I went to the doctor a few months ago, which is good, but I can't see the change in myself. That's the most frustrating part to me. I spent the past month living like I was the poster child for good health. Exercising regularly, eating healthily, yet there's been quite literally no change in myself. My good habits are starting to fall apart, I'm working my hardest to pull myself back together. I feel like I'm doing better. In all honestly, I still wish that I could be as skinny as my friends. I'd love for my boyfriend (ha!) or husband (HA!) to be able to sweep me off my feet, but with my lack of progress, that stereotypical dream is fading, and doing so quickly.
     No more for tonight.

Mr. Sandman

It's been a while, I know. I wish I could find the time to keep up with you guys... it's becoming harder and harder as we speak. I'm so crammed with finals and midterms and all the joyous exams that come with school. I'm writing to you during my downtime since I finished my tests WAY early. Speaking of which, it's almost the end of the school year for me. I have just under a month left, then I have 3 or 4 weeks of summer gym, then I'm a sophomore. I couldn't be more excited! I'm also really busy with my volunteerism at the theater, and I've been applying for scholarships every other week for the past few months. I probably won't get any because I'm a freshman, but hey, it's worth a shot. I've been trying to find a job too. Hopefully I'll find something this summer.
     I'm utterly confused. I'm longing, so longing, for everything. For friends, someone to talk to, someone who understands, someone young, who feels as I do. In short, I'm longing for a male counterpart. I'm not trying to come across as desperate, but that's sure how it sounds, isn't it? I think having someone of the opposite sex to exchange views with would be wonderful. Sure, I have male friends, but that's really about it. Not to mention, I'm quite literally the ONLY of my friends that goes on without a significant other or at least someone following me at my heels. I have my eye on someone, a sophomore, a really sweet boy. We're beginning to talk more and more, which I really enjoy. I wish I could summon Mr. Sandman to bring me precisely what I want, but my expectations aren't too high. I must go.