Sunday, August 18, 2013

On the Road Again

Giving up on the greetings. They're cheezier than a plate of nachos. I don't really know what to say right now.

Before I continue, yes, I understand that there are millions of people out there with lives harder than mine.

I think I'm at a momentary peak in life right now. My jobs are going well. I'm pretty solid Monday -Thursday and I have the occasional weekend half staff workday. The family I babysit for is paying me VERY well. And for me, this can be a problem. I find it very hard to take money from other people. Family? Sure! But not from anyone else. So yeah.

My birthday is coming up. I have to work 2,if not three jobs that day. This could be good and bad. Once again, I'm jipped out of a birthday party, but hey, you can't miss what you never had. I've never had a truly GOOD birthday party. So whatever. It's not like 14 is a big deal.

School is just around the corner, and I'm going to one of the best high schools in the nation- LakeView Technology Academy in Pleasant Prairie, Wisconsin. It's a half hour drive from home, which is a lot of driving, but I think it's worth it. There's a tiny, and I mean tiny chance I could be emancipated because my sister is disabled, and even that tiny chance gives me hope. But back to the point. I'm turning the area with the desktop computer into my own personal office. Seeing as I will be having 10x time the homework as I did in junior high (because it was very rare that I had homework), it will be a good space to keep everything from paperwork to science notes and study sheets. I'm excited to see what I make of the small space. 

But to change the subject, life sucks right now. My sister is more abusive, both mentally and physically, than ever. You can see lots of evidence on my body, but that's nothing compared to what's inside. I've never felt so alone.

Do you know what it feels like when no one is in your corner? It's like I'm standing all by myself in the middle of an amusement park. People laughing, holding hands, kissing and hugging, having fun. Except that amusement park is all of earth condensed into a square mile. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Nobody understands my sister. I do, but sometimes I feel that's a bad thing. The pure terror she brings to the eyes of a bystander is incredible. I can't have friends over when she's around because I'm afraid she'll hit one of them or break something. She's absolutely brutal, and I'm afraid of how I'll be judged based on her behavior. Yes, I understand she can't control all of it, but I KNOW she can control a good chunk of it. This is all I can say before I go into a full fledged snotfest. So on that lovely note I leave you with this simple thought- not everyone is as capable as you and me. And the next time you see a child misbehaving in public, think about how hard that has to be on the family. Because after some point, there's no helping a child. Believe me.

I'm on the road again. To success. To failure. To love and to hatred. But  I'll never know what's at the end of the road if I never make it there.