Tuesday, April 2, 2013

It's April 2nd...

Hi friends!

It's April 2nd, which is no special day in my world. Just April 2nd. But hi :)
Life has been kinda rough these past few months. One of my uncles got into some deep trouble after drinking, driving, which led to him flipping and totaling his truck and being found unconscious. I don't feel sorry for him. He's obviously never going to learn his lesson. A cousin of mine (in which I do not affiliate) has been writing fraudulent checks... so I'm just waiting to see what comes of that.

Nothing much has changed. I haven't done much cooking lately... I think I need some of that. The weather in Kenosha is FINALLY starting to warm up. I love winter more than anything, but I'm ready for a warm stretch. I have all of these big plans of jogging and walking and getting in shape, which would do me a lot of good, but I think I've faced the fact that I'm always going to be big. Much bigger than the majority of people my age, but I think I handle it pretty well, and aside from my weight I'm as healthy as a horse, so I can deal with it. Moving on.
I don't know. I think I'm still at that stage in life where you think "oh I'm going to be single forever and ever and ever."  Which may be true. I wouldn't necessarily mind that. I've come to the realization that if I were ever to be "with" somebody (which may or may not mean marriage), they would have to be in theatre or do some sort of intense fine art to understand my schedule. It's thoughts like this that keep me occupied throughout the day. Here's a list of things that keep me from dating people.
Lack of:
1) Attractiveness
2) Confidence
3) Trust
4) "coolness"
5) Happiness

I'm not pretty. It's just a fact. I don't mind too much. I'm starting to learn not to give a fuck what people think of my face or my body. Would I like to change it? Sure, but I don't have the time, money, or need to. Therefore it's staying as is. Confidence is an iffy topic. I've got guts. Lots of them. I'm a leader, a captain, a director. I can take charge. I can speak publicly with no problem whatsoever. But when it comes to relationships... I'm a mess. Haha :P It's true! People trust me. If someone has a problem, they come to me because they know they can trust me. I like being the trustworthy one. But I have a real hard time trusting people. I trust people too much. Or maybe some people are just too easy to talk to. I'm just afraid I'm going to be hurt. I've been stabbed in the back, screwed over, and used too many times to count. I'd do anything for anybody. I'd give you the shirt on my back if you needed it. But I've come to find that most people wouldn't do the same. I'm not the coolest kid in school. I don't want to be the cool one. I want to be the successful one. And when it comes to happiness, I can be the happiest person you see. But it's not all giggles and smiles and jokes. I can pull the mask down for the day, but at the end of the day, when the mask comes off, reality is back and it's so hard not to break down. When one parent is screaming and the other one sobbing, you know who has to keep the straight face in my household? Me. Do you know how hard it is to keep that face on? Taking everything that happens around me (and trust me, it's a lot) into consideration, it's REALLY hard. But that's not to say that I don't have good days, because I have had a lot of good days. Those good days are days that my family isn't around and that I can be by myself. That says a lot. I'm not trying to gain attention or sympathy, I just wish that someone out there could understand. That's all I ask. Oh, and I also ask that this generation pull their heads out of their asses as a whole and make a brighter day. Now I'm done for tonight... it's 12:45 (so now it's April 3rd :P ) and I haven't slept in a REALLY long time (like 3 days). I'd like a little sleep, thanks. Good night Jupiterians. I love you!